The Larger Half

The reason why I plan ahead is clearly self evident,
I shouldn’t have to explain my justification just for the hell of it,
I’m celibate, get me out of here,
The vast majority want casual sex and ice cold beer,
Or say the larger half is less than plenty,
Leaving the lager glass less than empty,
A master class in acting naturally,
I actually predicted the future state of things,
And saw us with my own two eyes,
Your forehead and your feathered wings,
Finally alone together at last,
Put the present behind us, what’s past has passed,
I was among the first to ask your unbiased opinion,
Like, “should I wear these tight slacks or these baggy tights,
And write in idiom?”
My only choice is to over exaggerate in a phony voice,
And tell em my telephone manner don’t require grammar,
I’m a common abnormality trying to cop a decent salary,
Surviving on salsa sauce and celery,
And shiitake mushrooms in the lunchroom,
But that’s old news, I don’t buy into that ‘soul food’,
I don’t care too much for money, if money can’t buy me lunch,
I shout obscenities at my enemies,
The effing ATM machine doesn’t distribute any pennies,
RSVP please, it’s a necessary requirement,
There’s potential risk in doing nothing,
Or fooling around with friendly fire men,
First and foremost,
I saw those koi carp carved into your bedpost,
At 3am in the morning, by the Mississippi river,
And in my humble mumbled opinion,
I think you should perhaps consider a brand new liver,
And lay off the brandy that she demands you give her,
I’ll confess my innocence, but that carries a potential risk,
So I saved an original copy of my statement onto floppy disk,
And promptly kissed my life goodbye cos I’ve excuses that refuse to fly,
And good reason to be paranoid, so I avoid the barrow boys,
And narrow streets with irregular patterns, and the pitter patter of tiny feets,
I try to reach a final conclusion, crisp, concise and to the point,
But as an added bonus I showed this brief summary to some of my chauffeurs,
Who know when rhetoric was first introduced,
They usually love the shit that I come out with,
But they said I should go hang myself with a rubber noose.